From the beginning i expected it to be a blackface racist stupid flick. But i never expected it to be this bad and this bad. Storytelling makes absolutely zero sense and the cinematography is sub-par. 
So it starts in ohayo gosaimas in 1995, but KGB was already dissolved back in 1991. So MCU version of Black Widow is not a soviet super spy granny much older than Captain America, but some tiny little yankee girl who never even saw the Soviet Union. This is so screwed up. At first, i thought that MCU is some alternative history timeline where the Soviet Union somehow lasted several more years. But no, this is not alternative history, this is propaganda history, and all russians are hitler, every single one across all three current generations. During the titles, they show not only pukin, but even explicitly Yeltsin. And people who made this decision can go choke on cock. If they wrote something about pukin reviving his KGB programs from his youth when he was a crappy KGB secretary of thievery and corruption, that could work. But they set it during the only time in history when russia was free and open.
The story is a fanfic mess that doesn’t really fit anywhere on the timeline. Dialogues are garbage, characters (besides being racist) are terrible. MCU forever ruined Taskmaster for this continuity by having him as a minor role. Instead of being an idiot, he is a tryhard silent girl-terminator. Not only he is boring, but also there are no fun fights with him. Absolute waste of a cool character. In the safehouse they have grandpa’s internet gas in confined space, the movie could’ve ended right there if they did recruit more girls. In a russian prison guards somehow use the notorious russian gun AA-12. Everyone is constantly smashing more and more alcohol when they actually need to be ready for work. Because ahahaha every russian is an alcoholic by choice amiright, Billy-Bob? Meanwhile, every character is written with cowmanure yankee mentality and spews yankee nonsense. And no sane human on earth in the right mind would speak in inches. What is that even supposed to mean? Thirty centimetres? Fifteen? Seven? Humans don’t have pheromones and she can hold her breath beforehand and kill him anyway. The whole explanation is retarded. And how the hell they got a ton of humvees into the middle of russia? Jetting Ross in as an international representative is one thing. But also allowing yankee army into the sovereign territory? Realistically he would have been provided with an escort of local forces riding ГАЗ or Урал cars. Or ye olde УАЗ convoy if they wanted it to look fun.
The post-credits scene makes no sense either. It has no timestamp; one second we see Widow flying into the sunset, the next we see her tomb in some dumpster in someone’s backyard. And why is the sister a hitman? You gained freedom, you could be anyone so you chose to be the same as before? And how can you twist the story to make Hawkeye be a suspect?
The movie opens with a generic shit-stain sleeping female cover of Teen Spirit, which sounds so russian you can’t even. If they wanted a shit-stain sleeping female cover they should’ve used some Кино song. Чумной Доктор has one. Hell, if they didn’t want to be incompetent shit racists making a terrible movie, they could’ve hired Майор Гром’s team or Naishuller. And of course most of the time the characters speak indiscernible gibberish and pretend it’s russian.
The picture is fuzzy crap pierced with lens defects. The editor studied in youtubepoop school of cinema and this product is overcut garbage with inconsistent angles.
The least terrible part of the whole movie is Red Guardian.
Inside my shell i milk and hate 