Madame Web (2024)

Leaping spider-fetus! This is not a drill, i repeat, leaping spider fetus.

That somewhat known by some people character, that is known for being an old lady, was turned into a young woman. Who is younger than me. And this film doesn’t take place in the the 60s or even in the 80s. This takes place in the beginning of 2004. By 2024 she will still be younger than Madonna and Madonna doesn’t look like the old lady Madame Web. Meanwhile Ezekiel Sims was turned into some dork who already wears a knock-off spider-man costume, and he is a bad guy. He has no use as a bad guy, since his involvement is always related to the totemic powers. Without him they won’t do totemic powers, and without them he is a bad villain. Is this like the only name they had a license to? Were they forbidden from creating new original villains?

And well  this film is not good at all. I didn’t hate it, and it wasn’t overly boring. But bad craft is bad craft. Most of the lines from the protagonist are like the first takes. They are read with no emotion or relation to the scene, often with mistakes. And the writing is pettily dumb. It’s another predestination story where prequel has to project future developments into the past. Madame is not a character, she can’t have her own life, no she is an accessory of Peter Parker. She is a tchotchke on Peter’s table. She is not a random person from the street with her own story, this version knows Parkers and looks at spider-fetus.

Мадама въёб

So when they got into a car, Madame threw away a cell-phone cos of tracking. But from the diegesis tracking is good, they think that the cops can track them, which would benefit them. They have no knowledge that some loner can magically track the whole world with magic AI image generation that can read his dreams through a dreamcatcher. And she could allow the girl to drop an SMS or even make a call saying she is alright, and then throw away the phone. Also, it’s 2004, why she threw away one phone and not four? Is this written by alphers who can’t imagine that in 2004 everyone had a phone even in the third world crapholes where they were sending chiptune ringtones to each other over IR-ports after they purchased them from newspaper ads? And middle class could afford coloured phones with polyphony.

When she went to a diner by a car it was twice slower than when she walked, but she walked there in minutes, while the dorks spent hours on that hike. And the film pretends that Toxic is this new hot thing. But by that time she was already old news, and that was her swan song, a blip by an old lady before a total obscurity. Everyone remembered her from their own youth, it was not a new unknown artist.

Madame just screws off for two weeks, into another country, and nothing happens at all. Wow, what a writing.

In the scene near the cave-pond there’s probably the worst ADR i ever saw in cinema. Yes, even worse than all the memes and the 80s films and animation i saw in the last 5 years. It’s a different take with a different mic, with a different sound picture, with no attempts at mixing it together with the rest, and this is a high-budget high-profile AAA garbage release, no an indie creation or some B-film.

When Parker screams for attention, so they can film her giving birth, why the absolute hell did they all go into the car? What use do they have there? They could remain home and clean it up. They are parasitising on a good family, could at least clean it up. Nut instead they all rushed into cramped car to take space.

And then one of them sees a camera, and looks out posing for the photographs.

Then Ezekiel saw that the car gonna miss him, so he jumped up to make sure he will get hit by a car. And that’s where they stopped drawing her giving birth to leaping spider fetus and entirely forgot about that, leaving her stranded in a carp pile.

On the factory a consumer firework blew up a hole in a wall and it was in a convenient shape of a vertical doorway.

I’ve watched Next 2007. Next 2007 is better.